


I put on lipstick for this?

by glitterpig



Category: Other Space (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:42:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28144056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterpig/pseuds/glitterpig
Summary: Karen has an evil twin.
Relationships: Karen Lipinski/Tina Shukshin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 4
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	I put on lipstick for this?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fenellaevangela](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fenellaevangela/gifts).



The first clue Karen should have picked up on was when Michael sidled up to her that morning, interrupting her at the Coffee Bot. She noted that his skin looked suspiciously dewy for the low-humidity atmosphere aboard the ship and that he wouldn’t stop giving her a dopey smile no matter how hard she glared.

She turned back to the machine, paid the $40 in credits for a cup of Monsanto-engineered globally sourced light roast, and then then turned back to find him looking just as blissed out as a moment ago. "What the hell’s wrong with you?"

Michael’s satisfied expression didn’t dim. "I just wanted to thank you. The spa closet was a real treat. Especially that raspberry foam. Mmm, so juicy."

Karen nearly dropped her coffee in shock. "You used the spa closet? You _know_ unregulated use by unranked officers is against UMP Regulation 33.5 Bathing for Subordinates—"

"Unless agreed upon by my captain. And a certain _captain_ must have thought I deserved it," he purred in her ear, then left. She stared after him as he practically floated away down the hall even though there was nothing wrong with the gravity boosters, Karen had done a triple check last night.

Ever since the alien-fuel debacle Karen and Stuart had been co-captains, and besides the problem of there being only one Captain’s chair and how awkward it was to do their duties while sitting in each other’s laps, the joint position had been going pretty well.

Until now.

Because Karen definitely hadn’t given Michael permission to use the spa closet. Which meant there was only one other person who could have.

"Stuart!!"

She stormed onto the bridge where Stuart was sitting in the shared chair like a five year old, one leg up on the arm, spinning slightly while he drank his smoothie.

"Hey sis," he said when she burst in. "I thought you said you were hanging out with T."

This should have seemed odd, as Karen had not said this. In fact, she hadn’t even seen Stuart this morning. But she was too preoccupied staring in horror at the walls, ceiling, and consoles of the bridge. "Oh good god! Why is everything so...so..."

"Nice, right? I had a gut feeling it would look good but would never have done it if you hadn’t supported my decision. Thanks, co-captain."

"...so orange?" Karen finished.

It was the only way to describe it. The whole bridge had been redone in a bright, garish tangerine. It clashed with the tie dye universe horribly.

Stuart smiled at her. "Space Citrus actually. Also, I have to say I wasn’t too sure you’d go for the font change for all written documentation and screen communications, but I’m glad you did. Everything looks so fancy now."

He held up the captain’s log which she saw was now nearly unreadable, as it was written completely in papyrus font.

"Sweet Jesus _why_?"

This uncharacteristically copacetic interaction was the second clue that she should have picked up on that something was amiss. But she was too busy gaping. Also, she had only had one sip of her coffee and her normally sharp mind was bleary. She chugged the coffee.

Meanwhile Stuart spun the chair away in a lazy circle, slurping obnoxiously. "Cup at 1 percent," said his cup.

"Thanks," he said, putting it down by his feet.

"No drinks on the bridge," Karen reminded him distantly. "Ok. We'll...we'll talk about this later. But first, why did you let Michael use the spa closet? You know perfectly well there’s only a small amount of raspberry flavored body foam left. And not just on this ship — in this entire universe!"

Stuart jumped to his feet. "Oh great. I thought we were finally seeing eye-to-eye as co-captains, but now you have to go and ruin it by accusing me of wasting resources?"

"Well I wouldn’t have to accuse you if you didn’t do it in the first place! And papyrus is a centuries-old affront to typography, everyone thinks so." She knocked the tablet to the floor, knocking over his cup in the process.

He gasped. "You’ve changed your tune."

Giving this conversation up for bananas, Karen threw her hands up and left, heading back to her room to spend time with the only sane person on the ship. Herself.

The third and most obvious clue that something was just not right came two minutes later in the form of Tina. She was in Karen’s room, kissing Karen.

Or rather, Tina was in Karen’s room, kissing _another_ Karen.

It was not Karen-Karen, of course, seeing as Karen herself had only just typed her code in the door keypad, ready to kick back and relax with the _UMP Manual for Emergency Preparedness Vol. 3_ , a fascinating exploration of best practices to diffuse crew drama in the case of insurrection, mutiny, or other foul play. Then the door slid open to reveal Tina making out rather sensually with someone who looked a lot like Karen against the desk. As Karen stared, Tina made a pleased sound as not-Karen pulled her pigtails.

Real Karen slowly backed out of the room again, the door sliding silently closed. She was left staring sightlessly at the cool metal, mind racing, replaying what she had just witnessed on the other side.

Tina. Just past 8 a.m. ship standard time. Kissing Karen. Was she dreaming? Did she really make that face when she kissed someone? And more importantly...what the hell?

"I need a drink," she said and went to get herself another cup of coffee. She clearly needed it.

Upon returning to the breakroom she found Zalien fiddling with the replicator. His grizzled hair appeared singed to the point of smoking, a puzzle Karen didn’t currently have the mental bandwidth to solve.

"Hi there, Karen," he said distractedly, applying a screwdriver to the replicator.

Karen got a new cup and hit ‘brew’ on the machine. "If you disable the rehydrator again, the crew will kill you."

Zalien kept prying. Meanwhile, the coffee machine beeped but did nothing.

"Oh come on. Please?" she gritted out, and had to hit the button two more times before the water began burbling. "Thank you." Ever since the Coffee Bot had tried to kill them, they’d had a trying relationship. It was no different than she felt about most of the crew actually, for reasons that were various and sundry.

She sighed deeply, once again wishing she had not opted to take second in command and instead quit the academy entirely to go live with her parents as they had offered. Their low expectations for her career in light of her brother’s innate ability to do well at everything without even a smidgen of effort would have worked in her favor.

Zalien, who sounded like he was steeling himself before asking, said, "So, is your Monday going well?"

"It—"

"Enjoy your drink," sang the Coffee Bot, but when Karen looked she saw it had only filled her cup halfway with dark sludge.

This was the final straw. Karen sunk slowly to the floor, dragging her fingers through her hair like claws. "No. No not really."

"Ah," said Zalien. He started to move away but was stopped by Karen grabbing his ankle before he could escape.

"Zalien." She clung to him, wondering if she was finally losing it. "You’ve had a really weird and messed up life, so maybe you’ll have a suggestion for what I should do in this situation. If you walked in on yourself making out with the girl of your dreams — Like, it was physically you, although not really because _you’re_ you, you know?"

"Sure. Out of body experiences, I get those all the time. Go on."

"Ok, so question is, do you cockblock yourself? Or just let it play out? And if you do let it play out, can you count it as a hookup or was it technically someone else? Also, am I going crazy?"

Whatever way you looked at it, Karen got the short end of the stick as always. The Coffee Bot told her in ruder tones to take the coffee. Karen ignored it.

"But what am I talking about? Either way it’s a moot point because I definitely have to tell Tina. It’s super messed up. It could be an alien or a hallucination or something."

"Nice job landing the girl of your dreams, Karen," said Zalien, sounding impressed and apparently completely ignoring the more pertinent issue. "Do I know her?"

Karen stared up at him then let go of his pants leg.

He smiled. "Oh hey, your coffee’s ready!"

"Never mind." She slowly rose to her feet and took the coffee, which gave her a little static zap that may or may not have been a system’s malfunction.

"Glad I could help," said Zalien, and, looking pleased with himself. He gathered his plate of space nachos, sizzling from the replicator. "Goodnight, your grace."

"It’s morning, and for the last time, you don’t have to call me y—"

He bowed out of the room, the door sliding shut on Karen's protests. She sighed, distracting herself by sipping her coffee after dumping two Monsanto brand enlarged-udder creamers into it and stirring with a swizzle stick.

She supposed if UMP regulations hadn’t prepared _her_ for this, she couldn’t blame Zalien for failing to come up with anything. What it came down to was that she was alone on this, and like any captain, she had to trust her own judgement as best she could and then take action.

"Stop kissing her, you fiend!" she yelled as she exploded into her room.

Tina and the imposter were still wrapped in a close embrace. Karen waved her space blaster around wildly in attempts to curtail this which worked.

Tina screeched and, within seconds, had thrown not only the thick Emergency Procedure Manual at Karen, but also Karen’s desk mug (which shattered everywhere) and her favorite pen (which would have lodged in Karen’s arm if she hadn’t stepped swiftly to one side).

Meanwhile, Karen’s doppelganger pulled away calmly, smirking and wiping at her smudged lipstick before it made a convincingly shocked face and stammered, "What— how— that looks like me!"

Karen sneered at it. It was very eerie to see her own face sneer back.

Tina, looking back and forth between them, said, "Well this is really ****ed up."

The doppelganger put an arm out in front of Tina like it actually thought real Karen was an interloper of some kind. "Get behind me. I’ll protect you."

To Karen’s chagrin, Tina then stepped in front of fake-Karen. "No, it is I who will protect you!"

"Tina," said Karen in reasonable tones, still holding the blaster aimed at the doppelganger's head and ready to effectively blow herself to smithereens. "I have no idea what _that_ is, but it’s not me."

Not-Karen turned to Tina. "My best guess is that it’s an alien sent to infiltrate and take over the ship!"

"Tina, don’t listen to her. I’m _me_." Karen jerked her blaster at the doppelganger. "Step away from her slowly and no one gets hurt."

Tina stepped closer to not-Karen, ignoring the blaster. "I don’t know, she hasn’t killed us yet and she’s the one holding the gun. So she’s probably harmless." Tina looked Karen up and down. "I wonder why it chose to look like Karen."

"I was _born_ Karen!" said Karen, which sounded like something a not-Karen would say. She was not equipped for this kind of inane argument.

"Well, I know how you feel about me," said the doppelganger to Tina. "So it would make sense she’d impersonate me to gain the trust of the coolest and most powerful person on the ship."

"You smooth-talker," Tina giggled. Which, unfair.

"I’m going to tell the rest of the crew," Karen threatened, mainly to break up their love fest, but it was an empty threat because she couldn’t very well leave Tina alone with this creature for a second time.

"I don’t know, what do you think, Teens?" the doppelganger took Tina’s hand. "She seems harmless. I don’t mind if she stays." She waggled her eyebrows in a very un-Karenlike way. Karen was almost offended Tina couldn’t tell it was fake.

Tina looked torn, glancing between the two of them. "I mean, it’s not off the table..."

"Tina!" Karen clutched the blaster like a metaphorical string of pearls.

"Sorry, I’m sorry. Of course it’s not ok." She adjusted her uniform and clapped her hands together, looking cheery. "So, now that my morning plans have officially been ruined, let’s play a game."

"Game?" both Karen’s asked in unison, with twin suspicion. This alien had clearly done its homework so knew Tina’s games usually ended in someone being airlocked.

Tina smiled sweetly. "The game is called Which One of You is Real? The loser gets thrown out the airlock." Classic Tina.

"I am obviously me," said Karen in her most reasonable tones, teeth gritted. "Ask me anything you want. And that...that _thing_ …is obviously an intruder trying to get to you through me. No games needed."

"So you say. But a game makes this more fun. We’ll see who the real Karen is."

"Fine." Karen clicked the wall intercom, ignoring not-Karen’s offended exclamation that she was clearly not lying. "Emergency meeting in the lunchroom," said Karen, voice echoing in the hallways.

On second thought—

"Now!" she yelled directly into the intercom, which was sure to wake up any sleeping, loitering, or otherwise lackadaisical members of the crew. Being stranded with very miniscule hope of returning home had pretty much decimated any work ethic they may have once had. It was even wearing on Karen, who prided herself on following the rules even when they were super pointless. Sometimes being captain required some yelling.

"I bring to the table exhibit A," Tina said once the crew had assembled. She waved to Karen and the doppelganger. "As you can clearly see, there are two Karens."

"Excuse me," said Karen. "That is not what's going on. There is one actual Karen and one not-Karen. I am the real Karen."

"Objection! Speculation! Facts not in evidence!" said the doppelganger.

Tina, who was taking her role as game arbiter very seriously, had once again donned the gender-neutral arbitration pantsuit. She looked down at the pretend notes she had been taking on the arbiter’s tablet. "I tend to agree. You’ve not offered any evidence proving anyone’s identity, Maybe Karen. And anyway I can clearly see two Karens. Objection sustained."

The rest of the crew sat around the table apparently trying to look interested. No one seemed super impressed at there being two Karens as they might have had they not already witnessed a fake Chad a few weeks previous. Not even Stuart, who had suffered a mighty blow to his interest in finding intelligent life in this universe after aforementioned alien-fuel debacle. Karen, who liked to think she had a good measure of the people around her, had a bad feeling about this.

"I know all about the UMP legal process," said the doppelganger, somehow involving everyone else in the room except Karen in its comment. "I just finished internalizing all of the _UMP Manual for Emergency Preparedness Vol. 3_."

"Ok, it's decided." Stuart said, pointing to the alien. "I’m going to go with that one. Why would an alien come travel lightyears to our ship just to waste time reading a textbook."

Karen gaped. "Stuart!"

"And then be boring enough to tell us about it," Michael added.

Tina nodded in agreement, looking sympathetically at the alien. "Yeah, that was super boring babe. But I'm glad to know it's really you." She narrowed her eyes back at Karen. "Zalien, cuff her."

"What! You can’t just arbitrarily choose! You try to cuff me and I’ll shoot you," she warned and Zalien put his hands up. How Zalien became the de facto muscle, or why he had sparkly handcuffs, was a question for another time.

"Ok, everybody calm down," Stuart said. "There must be a logical way to figure out who is the real Karen and who is an alien interloper who is distressingly good at acting like my sister." He began to pace with a philosophical expression on his face like he was a professor at the front of a classroom, starting in on what was going to be a very long, very convoluted lecture. "Long have we searched for alien life. And although disappointing and sometimes gross, it is never boring. I move we look at each item of evidence—"

"Exactly," Karen cut him off. "As the real Karen I have actually read the _UMP Manual for Emergency Preparedness Vol. 3_ and know how this works. So please let's continue with the case and move on to Exhibit B." Karen looked to Tina. "If I may."

"You may," said Tina primly.

Karen nodded. "Natasha! Get me the ship’s manifest."

"Right away Captain. What do you need to know?"

"How many people are on board?"

"275," said Natasha.

There was a silence. "Check that figure Natasha?" said Stuart.

"Oh, I apologize, Captain. I was including the passengers in cryo that were supposed to be de-boarded before takeoff. I count them as humans too."

"As do we," Karen hastily said, in case Natasha had failed to turn off the nanobots recording their every move. "I just forget sometimes how our crew failed to complete _so many_ of the required pre-flight items, like making sure no bodies were aboard that weren't registered crew members." Little did the cast of Moon Disco Inferno know, they had gone past the moon, past Mars, and had left the stars of their universe entirely, possibly (probably) never to return.

"Relevance, Maybe Karen? Let’s move on," said Tina. "Natasha, we need to know the number of people not in stasis."

"Are we counting half-humans and recently digitized humanoids? Because Art and Kent—"

"Natasha," said Karen. "All I am asking is when and how an alien came on board masquerading as me."

Natasha referred to an invisible screen. "Ah. It looks like a new passenger boarded at 0400 hours today."

"What! And you didn’t think to alert us?"

"I did!" Natasha looked offended, which was an unfair emotional manipulation built into her software but they got what they got. Natasha put a hand on her hip and gave them all a look. "I told every crew member that someone who looked like you was roaming the halls, but everyone told me in no uncertain terms that I was to stop bothering them and that they would rather go back to sleep than deal with the intruder."

Karen scoffed. "And you didn’t think to alert me?"

"I told you, too."

"Oh." Now that Natasha mentioned it, Karen did remember a dream where Natasha warned her an alien had infiltrated the ship disguised as her. "Huh. Well why didn’t you stop it from entering in the first place? It’s not in our programming to open the hull doors to anything that tries to get in."

"It was at around that time that I was doing some, ah, calculations! Yes, calculations. Which were taking quite some time and required all of my CPU."

There came a staggered chorus of horrified silences after the implications of that sunk in for each of them.

"So you were _still_ cybering with Kent?" Karen said. "It has been over a week since he uploaded into the computer mainframe."

"Look, give a girl a break. I haven’t had a body ever, so having a little fun with Kent is totally my due. Besides, I don't have to take this criticism from someone who now has _two_ bodies!"

"I can’t believe this," Karen muttered. "But let the record show that we have confirmed an intruder has taken my form and that they entered at 4 a.m."

"Objection, your honor," said the doppelganger. Tina looked pleased and shuffled her arbiter’s pad importantly on the table. "Misstates the facts. Natasha only said there was an intruder who looked like me, not which one of us is the intruder. She’s clearly trying to confuse you. All of you!"

Karen shook her head. "Exhibit C, if I may your honor?"

It was clear her similar attempt at flattery didn't land, as Tina only raised an eyebrow at her until Karen proceeded on her own.

"It is known by all that I do not like papyrus font. Is it not?"

"Affirmative," said Michael, who had been at the wrong end of that argument once or twice.

She looked around. "And my dislike of lipstick is well-documented? That's exhibit D."

There was a chorus of hemming and hawing.

"And E, you all have to agree that the very notion that I would allow Michael the use of a precious, finite resource is laughable."

"No," said Michael sulkily.

"Yes," said everyone else. It was clear the scales were tipping in her favor.

"And who, pray tell, switched all font to papyrus, allowed Michael the use of the spa closet, and is wearing lipstick? She. That Karen is the fake, and I am the real one." She paused and then added, for the sake of courtroom drama, "I rest my case."

Tina didn’t look convinced. "Well, be that as it may. The way this Karen was kissing me says otherwise. She did that thing I love."

This drew Karen up short. She remembered the thing Tina loved and didn’t know how the alien could have known about it.

"Look, the alien is clearly jealous I finally got with the coolest girl on board," said the alien, looking smug.

"Aha!" said Karen, pointing. "Tina and I already _did_ hook up. See? She’s the liar!"

Tina put a hand on her hip. "Mm but the real Karen would know you left me high and dry after I _did my part_ if you know what I’m saying. So technically..."

"Tina, you’re right, I totally suck," said the doppelganger moving in behind Tina to rest her chin on Tina's shoulder. "Give me another chance." She threw Karen an evil smirk over Tina’s shoulder that no one else seemed to notice.

"I do know what you’re saying!" said Karen, ignoring the doppelganger and trying to get Tina to look at her. "Because I was there!"

She didn't really want to have to prove that she was the real Karen by rehashing she and Tina's somewhat awkward hookup in front of literally everyone in this universe, but she would if she had to. She'd spill her heart out about how she'd been harboring a crush on Tina the size of a small asteroid for the entirety of their senior year at the academy, and how the only way she'd gotten up the courage to talk to her was by criticizing her publicly. It had been a total surprise then when Tina had dragged her into her dorm after the Last Chance Dance for a quick and confusing hookup. There had been so much glitter. And Karen wasn't proud to admit it, but she'd bolted.

She'd thought she could avoid Tina, but now here they were. Her plan had been ruined what with Stuart hiring her to be one of five other people on Karen's first space mission. Not to mention that fact that Tina was Stuart’s creepy crush…

Karen tried to live her life by the rules, by her plan. Tina wasn’t part of the plan.

Something occurred to her. "Well that's just it, isn't it?" she said to Tina. "Do you really think I would hook up with you? You know I'll take any excuse to avoid talking to you about anything bordering on personal, so me inviting you to my room is the least probable outcome on a Monday morning."

From the sullen look on Tina's face Karen, her victorious rebuttal had come out a little harsher than she meant it to.

Zalien said, pulling a smushed sandwich from his pocket, "Yeah, guys I think it's really her. She's too much of a buzzkill to be fake."

They all stared in silence at the alien who was doing her best to not crack under the scrutiny.

"Yeah, that checks out," said Stuart. "Let’s get rid of that one."

Tina moved away from the doppelganger, looking disappointed as she nodded for Zalien to cuff it.

Karen spun around victoriously looking for any crewmember to celebrate with, but everyone was already standing to head to the airlock, looking bored, apparently having moved on now that the mystery was solved. It _was_ getting close to lunch, after all.

"The game is up!" Karen said to the alien, not wanting to let go of the drama just when she had been exonerated. "Explain yourself."

The alien dropped the act, raising her now-cuffed hands. "Ok, you got me. This is getting tiresome anyway. These suits are tight. Is there any reason for that or is it a specific custom of your people?" It was eerie to watch it talk, Karen’s own facial expressions suddenly becoming, for lack of a better word, alien. It still was Karen but definitely not.

Kent peeked out from the screen. "If it makes you feel any better, Karen, I was not won over. There was a certain gregarious aspect to her that I found much unsettling."

The alien nodded. "I didn’t actually try with that one, he’s too unimportant to be useful."

Kent gave the alien a salute. "Touché." He disappeared offscreen again.

"Ok crew, after we airlock the Karen Alien," Stuart put his hands around his mouth and pretended to talk through a megaphone. "It’s ravioli day!"

They all went down toward the airlock. "So really no one wants to question it?" said Karen, feeling a tad offended.

Stuart grimaced. "Not really. That last alien with the spit box who stole our fuel was kind of a turn-off. I’ve tried to maintain my levels of enthusiasm but I think I need to recharge."

"Anyone else then?"

Her questions was met with silence until Michael finally raised a hand, looking back and forth between the two Karens. "Which one of you was the one who was nice to me?"

Karen rubbed a hand over her face. "What about learning how it got onto our ship? Or why it wanted to in the first place? And why it chose me specifically to impersonate? Or why it was— you know — _seducing_ Tina?"

No one so much as even nodded. The alien finally said, counting off the answers on the fingers of one hand, "Simple shuttle-to-shuttle hookup. I saw you were the strongest member of the crew and sought to replace you to take over. I was able to access your mind and information about the ship and crew during your dreams—"

Art rolled into the picture. "Hold up! Dreams? Now we’re getting somewhere."

People's interest did seem to perk up on this.

"On second thought," said Karen as they arrived at the airlock. "Let’s flush her now. No more information needed."

"Ooh," Michael said, like they were back in middle school and he was telling on her for kissing Becky behind the bleachers. "Sounds like someone was having sex dreams. Were they about me? We can talk about it in private if—"

"No they were not about you. Honestly I don’t really remember them, let’s move on."

"They were obviously about me," Tina said, somehow managing both to sound smug and like she was also making fun of Karen for being caught kissing Becky. This is why you didn't work with people you had grown up with.

Karen just clenched her jaw and said, "That’s beside the point."

"Yes," said the alien. "I knew from your dreams that Tina was quite fearsome and would make a fearsome ally. The easiest way to get her under my thumb was to seduce her."

"Oh, I thought you chose me as the prettiest and the smartest and the coolest."

"I sought to endear myself to your crew and then make you my servants," the alien nodded. "And I believe the first part of my plan worked. Especially Tina, as Karen appears to be something of a weak spot for her."

"She is not," Tina scoffed.

The alien crossed her arms, looking pleased with herself. "Anyway, you can get rid of me but you will never forget that all your friends like me better."

There was an awkward pause before there was a chorus of _whattt_ s and _of course that’s not true_ s even though like five seconds ago they couldn’t tell who was who.

"Well that’s fine," said Karen. "Because even if you like her better, I’m still more useful."

"I’d be happy to kill you all," the alien said. "Really I just need the ship."

"Ok I changed my mind," said Tina. "I like you more than your evil twin now."

"Yeah, no offense to your twin," said Zalien, taking a bite out of his sandwich. "But she’s kind of a B."

Karen slapped the sandwich out of his hand. "Offense taken. And just for all your information, you don’t need a friend, you all need a competent coworker. And one of my greatest strengths as a coworker happens to make me a subpar friend—"

"Ah, the anal retentiveness," Stuart nodded. "Makes sense."

"Control freak!" Tina guessed.

"Ooh ooh, inability to compromise!" said Michael.

Kent even popped into the screen to guess. "Your harrowing tones?"

"No, Jesus guys. My inability to span the awkwardness between indifferent efficiency and inefficient buddy-buddy interactions, obviously. You’re lucky there’s nowhere for me to go or I might actually ditch you." She turned to address the alien. "So yeah, case in point, I’m a better use aboard this ship than you will ever be." She leaned in and said slowly right into her own beautiful face. "Because I. Can’t. Hang."

"What a strange, sad way of proving you’re the best," said Tina. She raised her hand and looked around at the rest of the crew. "Anyway, all for airlocking the alien?"

They all raised their hands.

Karen also raised a hand. "I’m offended you thought you had to vote on this, but yes, Natasha let the record show the vote to airlock my evil twin instead of me was unanimous."

Natasha noted it down in papyrus.

"And that you’re all idiots," Karen added, opening the airlock door. She waved her blaster at the alien, which raised an eyebrow at her. Karen took great pleasure of karate kicking it into the into the hold, then pressing the button to open the external door.

As they watched, the alien morphed from a Karen lookalike into a gelatinous, iridescent goo and was quickly slurped out into space. It disappeared from view.

"So," said Karen, turning to them all. They all stared at her blankly and she suddenly felt at a loss now that she had saved the day. She tried for a smile. "How about a good old fashioned movie night tonight?"

The rest of the crew looked guilty, not meeting her eyes.

"Stuart? You love movie night."

Stuart looked apologetic. "Strangely enough I don’t want to see your face right now after watching it transform into alien goo. Also I’m still mad at you."

"It wasn’t even me! I’m the victim here!"

"Yeah, that doesn’t change things. I’m going to bed. You can make it up to me by taking the morning shift tomorrow. Sorry, sis."

"Yeah…" said Tina. "I’m with Stuart on this one. That got too weird for me. I’m going to get high and watch some porn." Karen could respect that. But it still sucked.

"Ugh," she said. "Michael?"

Michael looked like he was on the verge of tears. Finally someone reacting in a normal way to what had been a really lame day so far. He sniffled. "All this time I thought it was you," he whispered. "But it turns out it was all just a trick."

Karen sighed. "You’re still upset about the spa closet, aren’t you?"

Michael bowed his head. and she only watched as he slowly slumped away.

"Guess it’s just you and me," said a tinny voice by her knee. Karen looked down to find Art had been there the whole time but she’d mistaken him for a supplies crate full of fudge. "Two lone travelers making our own path into the great unknown—"

Karen left to follow Tina.

The thing about floating aimlessly through a vast universe in a tiny tube of metal was there was nowhere to hide. Karen easily caught up with Tina, who was making snacks in the break room. Tina looked angry as she rehydrated a spinach and parm ravioli cube.

"Look," said Karen as Tina ignored her in favor of then rehydrating what appeared to be twice as much cheese than she was rationed for the entire week for pasta garnish. "I’m sorry things got weird. Are you mad at me?"

"No," said Tina, angrily grabbing utensils.

"Look, if anyone should be upset it’s me! Honestly I’m a little offended you weren’t at least sort of suspicious."

"Why would I instantly assume you had an evil twin?" Tina scoffed, finally looking at her. "I’m not constantly on the lookout for body swappers you know."

"It’s just...do you think I’d ever just ask you to come to my room out of the blue? Like, really?"

Tina sighed and took her plate. "It was obviously my mistake. Sorry if I got my hopes up."

Karen was used to spicy, angry, violent Tina, but never resigned. She moved a little closer, trying to make up for how badly this was coming out. "That’s...not what I’m saying. You know I’d never have the balls to make a move. Even though— Even if I wanted to."

Tina slowly pulled a napkin out of the dispenser, but appeared to be listening to her.

Karen rolled her eyes. "Oh come on, you think I’d get the nerve to put myself out there when historically I’ve been last picked for every team sport? Not to mention our awkward history of me being, let's face it, an asshole. Honestly if I didn’t have an evil twin I’d probably have thrown myself out into the vacuum of space before confessing my feelings."

This very logical argument didn’t have the desired effect. Tina returned to looking furious. "At least your evil twin cared enough to stop breaking my heart!"

"What!"

"So I don't know, maybe I did like her more than you!"

"Well," Karen said, raising her voice as well. "That’s a fair opinion! I’d say I hope you’re happy together, but I airlocked her and saved your life!"

"Ugh, you’re infuriating! I can’t believe I gave you another chance." Tina looked at the screen on the wall and yelled, "Natasha!"

Natasha appeared with a satisfying ding. "Yes?" Her hair was mussed, and Karen tried very hard not to imagine she and Kent cybering. And not just because it was gross, she actually found herself feeling jealous that other people knew how to be happy.

"Get me a bottle of alcohol, stat."

Natasha carefully didn’t ask, just dialed in the order on her invisible keypad. Tina glared at Karen as a frosty, unlabeled bottle rose from the counter, and Natasha disappeared again.

"Now if you’ll excuse me," said Tina grabbing the neck of the bottle. "I need to forget I ever knew you." She stormed out.

Karen spent the afternoon and evening in her room. She didn't emerge for dinner, instead opting for Natasha to supply her with a protein pack. She tried to read the emergency manual but she couldn't concentrate. Eventually she put the book on her side table and lay stiff like she was in stasis and tried not to think about how just mere hours ago evil twin Karen was making out with Tina in this very bed. She doubted she would sleep tonight.

The hum of the ship’s engines usually lulled her to sleep, but since the alien stole all their fuel and they were still mid-cliffhanger about whether they’d get it back, the engine was silent now and they were effectively just a hunk of space debris floating through an unknown galaxy. Karen groaned, rubbing at her face. You could go crazy thinking about the bigger picture.

She squinted up at the crack between ceiling tiles, trying instead to crack just why Tina had been so pissed at her. If anything, she should have been mad at the evil twin.

"Natasha, time?"

"11:24 p.m.," said Natasha.

In a moment of ill-advised indulgence, she cleared her throat. "Earth time, I mean? My hometown?"

"You must know that the temporal distortion due to the universe jump, added to the complicated formula of time, antimatter, and gravity makes it impossible to say for certain—"

"Just—humor me."

"It's 10 in the morning," said Natasha after a pause.

Karen closed her eyes. "Thanks."

"It's hot, but not too hot," Natasha continued, getting into it. "It's, let's say, May." Her voice had a touch of intrigue. "Tensions with Switzerland have really ramped up, and the probability of total world destruction is—"

"Ugh." Karen sighed. "Ok, I'm up. Thanks."

Giving up on sleeping, she called Stuart on the comm.

"Hey." His voice was rough.

"Am I interrupting something?"

"Oh just like two plates of Space Nachos with Zalien of all people. Say what you want about him but that guy really knows how to party." He paused. "Also, a very intense moping session about my soon-to-be-girlfriend apparently having the hots for my sister."

"Pshhaw," Karen said. "That wasn’t even me."

"Same diff."

It sounded like he was really bummed out. "Sorry about that. I didn’t mean for things to get that messy."

"That’s ok. We don’t actually have that much in common. She doesn’t even like space." He said it like it was the biggest deal breaker.

"Yeah maybe. Ugh, I know it's dumb but I just want her to forgive me."

"Don't worry, if there’s one thing I know about Tina — and after three years of documentation I do know quite a bit — it’s that she might be scary as all hell but she is quick to forgive people she’s into. I mean, look at Ted."

Karen shot out of bed. "That’s it! You’re a genius!"

"I am?"

"Yes, you said it yourself! Look at Ted!"

"No thank you. That guy was weird."

"Ted did a lot of things wrong but there’s one thing he did right. He gave her so. Much. Jewelry. Tina loves jewelry!"

"Hey that’s right! I think it was like half of her luggage weight."

Karen was out of bed. "So all I have to do is give her super expensive jewelry and she’ll totally forgive me! Stuart, you’re a genius."

"I don’t know what’s going on really but I love being called a genius!"

"Ok gotta do this now before I chicken out! Bye!"

"Yeah, go sis!"

Karen looked at herself in the mirror. "Get it together, Lipinski. You traveled into the void of deep space and are living with the existential dread of knowing you will probably die out here cold and alone. You can have one honest conversation about your feelings." She rubbed her lips together, checking out her freshly applied lipstick. As far as a pep talk went, that was sounding pretty legit.

"This better be worth it," she said to her reflection, then wiped the last smear of Cosmic Coral Pucker Punch Space Stick off her teeth, then did a couple callisthenic stretches muttering, "Tina is just a person. An attractive and somewhat violent and cool person. And I am, as well, a person." She stood straight again, feeling a little more confident. "Yeah, that sounds convincing."

Tina answered the door in her non-regulation pajamas. The fact that she managed to look so attractive in slubby sweatpants and a tank top was impressive.

Mascara was dried on her cheeks like she’d spent all evening crying. This struck Karen as kind of sweet? To her knowledge, Karen had never had anyone cry over her. Well, not for heartbreak reasons at least.

"Hey gal pal," she tried. The cheerful tone she struck rung hollow in her ears.

Tina sighed and went inside, and Karen took that as an invitation to follow. When she stepped through the door it felt like walking into a sauna where the sweltering heat was instead an overwhelming and visceral idea and experience of "boobs".

"Sorry, translator," Tina explained, touching the glass device that could transmit raw emotion.

Abruptly the air cleared now that the aggressively emoting machine had been turned off. It was like Karen had been dunked in a cryo coffin. "Jesus, that’s strong," she gasped.

"Yeah, it’s some good shit. What do you want?" Tina sounded like a five year old who was mad someone broke her toy. Which Karen supposed she had.

"Here." Karen thrust out the biohazard bag. They didn’t exactly have gift wrapping aboard the Cruiser. "I saw this and thought of you."

"This better not be a body part," Tina muttered and peeked inside. Her gasp was deeply gratifying, as was the big smile that spread over her face as she squealed and pulled the necklace out of the bag.

"Oh my god! Eee!" The transformation was immediate, Tina jumping around screaming for what was probably a full minute.

Karen crossed her arms, basking in the self-satisfied moment she totally deserved to enjoy. Kent had really outdone himself. The silver-colored chain (printed on the 3-D printer out of a melted down UMP regulation chrome spork) was intricately encrusted with diamond-like stones (compacted space dust) and looked fancy as hell as it glinted in the low mood-lighting of Tina's small room.

Tina had finally stopped screaming. "Put it on me, I need to take a picture."

Karen stepped up behind her and helped do up the clasp. Tina turned around, leaning slightly in toward Karen and said, "Natasha, snap a sweet pic."

There was a shutter sound and a blinding flash, then the picture showed up on the screen. Tina turned to look at her, seeming to have almost entirely forgiven her.

"It looks nice," Karen said inanely, staring down at where the necklace rested in Tina's tanktop cleavage. "It matches your eyes."

The compliment went over well. Tina sat on her bed and then patted the mattress next to her.

Karen slowly lowered herself to sit at the edge. "I also brought you this." She put a box of fudge on Tina’s knee. "It was the only candy we have on board and you know the replicator doesn't do chocolate."

"It’s the thought that counts," said Tina, putting the box to the side. She bit her lip and looked at Karen from under her dark eyelashes. "So."

"So..." Karen took a breath, steeling herself. "Ok look. You weren't just a hookup to me. Like I said, it was awkward, and I didn’t realize you even cared. So I thought moving on was for the best."

"You could have just talked to me about it."

Karen grimaced at the thought. "Stuart was super into you so I felt like I was breaking a bro code. Anyway, I didn't mean to imply earlier I wasn't still into you. I’ve been carrying a huge torch for you for years but you’ve been too busy getting high on nail polish and rewatching videos of Ted to notice." She gestured to the computer screen that was once again paused on Tina's own face. She was sure Ted would show up sooner or later.

"Hey, only half of that is true!" said Tina. "The episodes just dropped of our show — you know, the one the ship made, the reality show of us. So I’ve just been binging the whole season."

"Wow that sounds..." said Karen, searching for the word. "Excruciating."

"Totally. It really put things in perspective, you know?"

"Like, what exactly?"

"Like, you’re so obsessed with becoming captain that you didn’t even think about what to do when you become captain! And that's how you approach everything in life. Like, same goes for you showing up here with romantic gestures and gifts, and it’s all really nice, but you still gotta make a decision what to do next." She smiled at Karen, softening the criticism. There were pillow marks on her cheek and Karen very strongly wanted to kiss her.

Most of all, she did have a point. "Ok, well," said Karen. "I can’t ask you out because there is literally nowhere _to_ go. And there's like 98% probability of us dying in the next month from a hull breach, or never replenishing our fuel sources, or another alien attack..."

Tina put a hand on her knee. "Really killing the vibe here."

"Sorry."

Tina sighed, pulling Karen’s hand into hers. "What we need is a nice date spot, somewhere with atmosphere."

"What do you suggest?"

"Hang on!" Tina brightened again. "Natasha!"

Ding. "Yes?"

"Give us a moderately nice dungeon."

The room instantly transformed into a small dripping cell with chains hanging from the wall and a rat nibbling something in a corner.

"Nicer," Karen said.

A chandelier appeared on the ceiling.

"With a bed," said Tina.

A dirty mattress appeared.

Karen shivered. "Ok this isn’t working for me. Hologram off."

They were back in Tina’s room. Tina looked morose again. "I don't know what would make this not weird."

"I don't know about you but I don't need mood music or an exotic locale," said Karen. Tina gave her hopeful eyes. "I mean, we have everything we need right here? All I really want is you."

"Yeah, to hell with the dungeon," said Tina, and climbed into her lap.

Karen's hands went to her hips, pulling her closer and tipping her head back and Tina tugged her where she wanted her. Karen kissed her.

"That's more like it," said Tina. "Ugh, you don't even know. I was so jealous. And I was with Michael on that planet, and then you were with Michael, and then I thought, it’s a triangle, I’m next, but then I remembered we already had our thing, so what if I never get my chance again. Anyway, it’s hard not to overthink things when you literally have nothing else to do."

"I know what you mean," said Karen. "Less talking."

Tina made a happy noise when Karen did that thing she liked. "How did your evil twin know about that?"

"I may have, uh, been dreaming about it."

This seemed to spur Tina on. She managed to pull down the tight zipper of Karen's UMP regulation uniform. It was going to take at least five minutes to get out of it.

"What’s your bra code?" Tina said, kissing her ear.

"Stuart’s birthday."

Tina pulled back. "Ew why!" She frowned at her. "Also, I don’t know his birthday."

Somehow that made everything that much better. "God I like you," said Karen, typing in the code for her. "And you know I don’t like anyone."

"Feeling’s mutual," said Tina. "Kiss me again."

Sometime later, emergency lights started going off.

"Oh come on!" Karen yelled, struggling from the sheets.

Tina nearly fell off the small single bed, the most uncoordinated Karen had ever seen her. "Natasha!" Tina yelled. "Turn that thing off!"

Natasha cleared her throat for effect, appearing on screen. She was just a computer, but Karen pulled up the sheets. "I’ve just received video output from below deck, Captain. It’s entitled ‘Season 1, Christmas episode.’"

"I thought you turned that off."

Natasha looked embarrassed. "Not exactly…It's on my to-do list. I was busy, ah…"

"Busy getting busy?" Tina guessed, climbing back into bed. 

"I'll just leave it for you to watch when you're less occupied," said Natasha, and zapped away.

"Soo…" Karen said, looking down at Tina in the low light. "I don't know if you had any plans for the rest of the night..."

"Girl’s night in?" Tina said hopefully.

Karen dipped her head closer. "Hell yes."

"Oh I forgot to say," Tina told her, dragging her down the final few inches. "Your lipstick looks nice."

"My twin may have been evil, but she had some good tips," Karen said, smiling. Finally it was worth it.


End file.
